Saturday, 20 February 2016

Film Review: The Desolation of Smaug, Part 5

I'm in Wales right now, but I didn't want to keep you waiting for the last instalment of The Desolation of Smaug. We're into the home stretch now. Time for a battle of dragon versus Dwarves (and Hobbit), Orcs versus Elves (and a few kids), and Gandalf versus the forces of Evil.


216. Balin's figured out that Thorin's starting to lose it. It's only going to get worse from here, mate.

217. Considering Smaug's figured out what Thorin's up to, he doesn't seem too bothered about the Arkenstone just being left out in plain view. Does he even know it's there?

218. And once again, Gandalf is trapped and watching the forces of evil assemble. He must've gotten a bit of a sense of déjà vu when he was imprisoned at Isengard.

219. Smaug's finally grown bored of talking to Bilbo, but he does give us a nice view of the missing scale so we know where Bard needs to aim in the next film.

220. I also love how they made Smaug breathe fire. It looks like the world's worst heartburn!

221. Bard is locked up now, Bofur's stealing Kingsfoil from the pigs, and a crew of Orcs are invading the town. It's all getting a bit dramatic.

222. The invading Orcs are making a mess of Bard's home. Tilda's putting up a valiant fight though, apparently she subscribed to the Sam Gamgee School of Kitchenware Weaponry.

223. Oh look, it's Tauriel and Legolas here to save the day.

224. I know she shouldn't be there really, but I wish I could beat people up like Tauriel. Not that I often have the need to beat people up, but y'know, if I needed to.

225. Legolas decapitating the Orc is both gross and all sorts of awesome.

226. I'm not a fan of the Dwarf/Elf love story. The bit where Tauriel says she's going to save Kili makes me think of a girl trying to make a three-legged puppy feel better.

227. Back in the mountain, Thorin is getting decidedly weird about the Arkenstone.

228. I like how Thorin runs into the room screaming because his jacket is on fire, then shrugs it off and is like 'I'm cool, man'.

229. Who decided that a bowl of walnuts would be the best pillow for Kili?

230. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but it sounds like Tauriel is saying the same words that Arwen said over Frodo.

231. The Dwarves are really not big fans of handrails, are they?

232. It's raining gold!

234. Are walnut pillows a Dwarvish thing?

235. I do love the music for Tauriel and Kili, it's so pretty.

236. And back to the mountain, where the Dwarves have stumbled into a room full of dead Dwarves. There's even a baby.

237. But that hardens Thorin's resolve. Now they are going to kill the dragon.

238. "If this is to end in fire, then we will all burn together!" But do the others want to burn?

239. This reminds me of when I was in America, and I watched the squirrels in the woods taunting a cat.

240. In Laketown Legolas is single-handedly taking out all of the invading Orcs.

241. You know I'm no good at writing about fight scenes and pretty much all that remains of this film is a bunch of fight scenes.

242. Legolas is fighting a bunch of Orcs.

243. He does a pretty good job at using Bolg's head to knock down a pillar, then Bolg gets in close for a little Elfy cuddle.

244. Also, Legolas gets a nosebleed. And then he gets mad.

245. But Bolg's had enough and he's off.

246. Thorin's really lucky that rope was still there.

247. Oh dear. The furnaces are out. How will they set them on fire again? Maybe using the walking lighter?

248. Yup, that'll do the trick.

249. Thorin's almost back to himself now. At least he's giving orders and telling people what to do to get rid of the dragon. Apparently all he needs is to be distracted from thinking about the Arkenstone.

250. They're very lucky that there was still water available to put out the dragon and set the water wheels turning, otherwise there would've been roast Thorin and the quest would've probably come to an end.

251. Smaug's really trashing the place now. They might kill the dragon, but they're going to have to do a lot of tidying up afterwards!

252. I'm really not sure you'd be able to surf down a river of molten gold, surely you'd pass out from the heat.

253. I do like the Great Hall. Or at least, I did until Smaug trashed it.

254. The place was actually in pretty good condition for having had a dragon living there for however many years; then the Dwarves and Bilbo show up and the place is ruined.

255. Smaug's surmised that this is clearly the work of the people of Laketown. Not looking good for Laketown now.

256. When I saw this bit in the cinema I thought that there was something wrong with the CGI when the golden statue's eye begins to melt.

257. This would've been a really good way to kill the dragon if it was possible to drown him in molten gold.

258. Alas it isn't.

259. He does look very pretty in gold though.

260. And I like the way he shakes off all the gold. Just as well, otherwise that could've repaired the damaged scale in his armour and made him impervious to Bard's attack.

261. "I. am. fire. I. am. DEATH." "What've we done."

262. DUM!

263. Oh, hello Ed Sheeran. I love this song. I kind of love Ed Sheeran too.

As I'm currently in Wales, I'm not watching the next in the Hobbit trilogy, The Battle of the Five Armies. Next week we'll take a little break and I'll return with a regular schedule from the 5th of March (seriously, how are we so close to March already?! Wasn't New Year's Day about a week ago?!)

See you there.

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