#atozchallenge Letters to my Embryos: M is for Manflu

Welcome to Day 13 of the A to Z Challenge, an April blogging challenge where you aim post every day during the month following the letters of the alphabet (with every Sunday bar the last one off).

In the past I've used the challenge to blog about my infertility and the IVF process. I'm following a similar theme this year as we wait to begin the process for a Frozen Embryo Transfer, having completed a Freeze All IVF cycle in February.

We currently have nine embryos sitting on ice, my little bubbles, and this April I am blogging to them about the process of how they came to be.

Dear Bubbles,

As you can imagine, the process that we went through in order to have you, while worth it, wasn't exactly a piece of cake. I was pumped full of hormones (which made me a bundle of laughs, when I wasn't sobbing about random things) and there were all the injections. On the whole, your Dad got off fairly lightly.

But don't forget, he suffered too.

With Manflu!

Whenever I look back on the time when we conceived you, I will always remember the snotty, cranky mess that your father ended up in that week.

But he coped with it masterfully. I suggested he stay home on our last two appointments before the egg retrieval but he insisted on coming with me. Little did we know at the time that he was actually coming down with a raging ear infection (please, don't inherit your father's predisposition towards ear infections) which took three courses of antibiotics to be rid of!

I do have to admit, I struggled to feel sympathy at the time. I was a human pin cushion, all bloated and uncomfortable, and when I had suggested he drink plenty of orange juice he'd not been too quick to stock up. I did feel pretty guilty afterwards when I realised how bad his ear was.

Of course, he's very big on sharing, is your Dad. The morning of the egg retrieval I felt a little snuffly and by the day after I was just as snotty and cranky as he had been.

I think we've got you to thank for neither of us letting the Manflu get the better of us. We'd waited so long to get started on this round of treatment and we were both so positive that this would be it, nothing like a little cold (or the beginnings of an ear infection) were going to stop us. And so we both kept on keeping on.

Every mother wants to think her child will be the one to change the world or influence people for the better, but I think you started making a difference before you even sprang into existence. Long may it continue!

All my love,

Your Mum.

#atozchallenge Letters to my Embryos: L is for Language

Welcome to Day 12 of the A to Z Challenge, an April blogging challenge where you aim post every day during the month following the letters of the alphabet (with every Sunday bar the last one off).

In the past I've used the challenge to blog about my infertility and the IVF process. I'm following a similar theme this year as we wait to begin the process for a Frozen Embryo Transfer, having completed a Freeze All IVF cycle in February.

We currently have nine embryos sitting on ice, my little bubbles, and this April I am blogging to them about the process of how they came to be.

Dear Bubbles,

As I write these letters, I can't help but wonder what other languages you might be able to read, write and speak. Obviously English will be your main language, spoken at home, but I wonder what languages will be used in the schools you attend.

I'm writing this letter in Scotland, where English will be your main language at home, with Scots English being spoken amongst your friends. They're almost the same language, except for when they're not. Do you refer to those grey, mizzly days as 'dreich'? Do you say 'can I get' instead of 'can I have'? Do you pronounce 'head' as 'heid'?

Or have you grown up somewhere else?

On the way to one of the hospital appointments, less than a week before you were conceived, your father and I had a serious conversation about the sort of school you would attend (you know how much I like to plan ahead). We had been talking about our future plans to move to Wales and I wondered out loud whether we would send you to a Welsh-medium school, if that was an option.

And now I wonder, was your school uniform emblazoned with a fire-breathing 'draig'? If you're given money for a treat will you spend it on sugary 'losin' or (my personal favourite) 'siocled'? When you finish this letter, will you snuggle into to me for a 'cwtch'?

Because no matter what language, or languages, you speak, I'm always willing to give you a cuddle.

All my love,

Your Mum.

#atozchallenge Letters to my Embryos: K is for Knitting

Welcome to Day 11 of the A to Z Challenge, an April blogging challenge where you aim post every day during the month following the letters of the alphabet (with every Sunday bar the last one off).

In the past I've used the challenge to blog about my infertility and the IVF process. I'm following a similar theme this year as we wait to begin the process for a Frozen Embryo Transfer, having completed a Freeze All IVF cycle in February.

We currently have nine embryos sitting on ice, my little bubbles, and this April I am blogging to them about the process of how they came to be.

Dear Bubbles,

I feel like I must apologise. You've probably worn some truly heinous outfits over the years. For that, and any photographic evidence which exists of those (and which may be shown to potential partners), I am sorry.

I love to knit. I find it very relaxing. You're probably aware of the fact that I hate to be inactive. I love to be doing something. So if I'm watching TV, I like to feel as though I'm being busy. I can't help but wonder if I'll instill that need for 'busyness' in you as well. Hopefully you'll view it as a positive trait if I have.

But back to the knitting.

My favourite thing to knit is toys. I imagine that you will have a legion of stuffed friends, none of whom you will be able to throw out because 'I made those by hand' and 'don't you want to hang onto them for your own children some day'. Sorry.

I imagine I will sit up late knitting characters for your birthday, for Christmas, as a little present to say well done in school or to welcome you home from a trip. You'd probably rather have the latest games console, but trust me, someday you'll treasure those little toys made by hand.

And then there will be the handknits.

My passion for knitting clothes differs somewhat from my passion for knitting toys. For one thing, they usually take longer to make, so by the time you are able to express a preference for what resides in your wardrobe I'll probably be back to churning out dolls and bears again.

But for the outfits you wore in your infancy, those ones I cast on for before I even knew if you'd stuck around... well... sorry about those.

All my love,

Your Mum.

#atozchallenge Letters to my Embryos: J is for Journey

Welcome to Day 10 of the A to Z Challenge, an April blogging challenge where you aim post every day during the month following the letters of the alphabet (with every Sunday bar the last one off).

In the past I've used the challenge to blog about my infertility and the IVF process. I'm following a similar theme this year as we wait to begin the process for a Frozen Embryo Transfer, having completed a Freeze All IVF cycle in February.

We currently have nine embryos sitting on ice, my little bubbles, and this April I am blogging to them about the process of how they came to be.

Dear Bubbles,

Excuse me if I get all metaphorical and drippy for a moment. But getting to you was a journey. More than one journey in fact, a series of journeys.

It took us over nine years to get to the point where you were conceived and while you were our ultimate destination, we can't forget all the things we went through along the way.

If you had come along back when we first started trying (roughly nine years, four months, twelve days ago) then we wouldn't be the same parents that we are now. If you had come along when we had our first round, or our second round, or one of our previous frozen transfers, we wouldn't be the same parents that we are now.

Maybe we would have been better. Maybe worse. Maybe we wouldn't have appreciated you as much for all the bumps in the road we had along the way. Maybe you feel like we ask too much of you, or we're too overprotective.

I hope you understand that it's the journey we took to get you which made us who we are today. And in turn, our journey has made you who you are.

And we wouldn't have it any other way.

All my love,

Your Mum.

#atozchallenge Letters to my Embryos: I is for Independence

Welcome to Day 9 of the A to Z Challenge, an April blogging challenge where you aim post every day during the month following the letters of the alphabet (with every Sunday bar the last one off).

In the past I've used the challenge to blog about my infertility and the IVF process. I'm following a similar theme this year as we wait to begin the process for a Frozen Embryo Transfer, having completed a Freeze All IVF cycle in February.

We currently have nine embryos sitting on ice, my little bubbles, and this April I am blogging to them about the process of how they came to be.

Dear Bubbles,

I often find myself wondering if you might be a little more independent than other people's offspring. No, seriously, bear with me.

Most people are with their mothers for a full nine months, then they're born and they spend even more time with people. Babies are pretty demanding and need a fair amount of attention after all.

But you did pretty well without me for those first five days of your development. You were conceived without me there; you grew from two cells, to four cells, to eight, developed into a morula and then a blastocyst all without me there to cheer you on (I was cheering you on, I was just 45 miles away at the time). What's more, embryos develop better without any interruption. So you did have a caregiver (in the shape of the wonderful embryologists) looking out for you along the way, they mostly just had to make sure you had a cosy petri dish and a good spot in the incubator.

And you obviously coped admirably, all on your own. Which is what makes me wonder if you might not be a little bit more independent than all the other people who didn't begin their lives under carefully controlled lab conditions.

I don't think there's actually been any studies done on this, so perhaps we'll never know. If nothing else, you were very independent at the critical time when you needed to get on with things without any help from me. So I wonder if that will continue on through your life.

I'm looking forward to finding out!

All my love,

Your Mum.

#atozchallenge Letters to my Embryos: H is for Hospital

Welcome to Day 8 of the A to Z Challenge, an April blogging challenge where you aim post every day during the month following the letters of the alphabet (with every Sunday bar the last one off).

In the past I've used the challenge to blog about my infertility and the IVF process. I'm following a similar theme this year as we wait to begin the process for a Frozen Embryo Transfer, having completed a Freeze All IVF cycle in February.

We currently have nine embryos sitting on ice, my little bubbles, and this April I am blogging to them about the process of how they came to be.

Dear Bubbles,

When I think of you as you are now, reading this letter, I probably think of all sorts of things; whether or not you've tidied your room recently, the funny little quirks you have, what you look like when you're concentrating on a good book or film.

When I think of you as you are now, as I'm writing this letter, I picture a hospital. Because that's where you are right now. If we happen to head onto the mainland and drive past the hospital where you are currently housed, I have to wave and say hello to you. I look forward to appointments there because it brings me closer to you, even though you're not actually consciously aware of me being there. You're chilling in the freezer, after all.

Hospitals aren't exactly fun places to visit. The last time I was there (at the time of writing this) was on the day you were conceived, and that involved an operation. I left feeling fragile and emotional and kind of empty. I was leaving you being, even though you barely even existed, and I didn't know when we would be reunited.

But each trip to the hospital feels like it's bringing me a little closer to you. And we've spent so much time there recently, your father and I, that the waiting room with its stiff chairs and old magazines seems almost as familiar as our own living room.

Next time we see you, it will be at that hospital. You won't see us because you won't have developed eyes yet (they'll start to form within about two weeks of the transfer). But we'll see you and it will be amazing!

I like to think that one day we'll take you back there, probably when you're still too tiny to actually appreciate the event. You'll either sleep through it while busy nurses and embryologists take a polite look at you, or you'll cry and scream and we'll cut the visit short to get on with the shopping or whatever else we'd visited the mainland to do. Either way, I'd like to show you where you came from and that hospital is precisely where you started.

All my love,

You Mum.

What's keeping me busy this week?

I'm taking a little break from my Silent Sunday posts this month, since Sunday is the one day off the A to Z Challenge and I like to use my blog to share what I'm up to in the real world. Excuse the Instagram photos, I've not taken my camera out its case for far too long!

I went through a period at the start of the year when I struggled with my knitting mojo. It happens every so often, usually when I've started and abandoned a couple of projects (or at least set them in time out for a while). I get that sense that I want to be making some, but I just don't know what. And since I can't settle on anything, I just end up not doing anything.

Well, this last week and a bit the knitting bug has well and truly bitten me again. I love how productive I feel when I knit; I can sit and watch TV, or read on my Kindle, and keep my hands busy making interesting things at the same time.

This month's issue of Simply Knitting came with a free unicorn toy kit. This felt like a sign to me, especially as it looks like a knitting version of Ixi (my lucky unicorn), so I cast on for it almost instantly (I've still not actually finished reading the magazine, I pretty much got as far as the unicorn pattern and ceased reading).

Cute little fellow, isn't it?

Well, it's also insanely complicated for what it it. Or rather, one bit of it is insanely complicated. I've had this thing in time out twice since I started it!

I got to a bit in the pattern which I struggled to make sense of. You had to knit three sections, the first on the original yarn, the second on scrap yarn (the blue in the picture above) and then wind some of the original yarn onto a bobbin to knit the final section. Each one is knit separately in order to create the two slits you see above.

I read on to the end a couple of times but just couldn't seem to make sense of it, until I posted on Ravelry about it and something clicked. The general consensus with the bit of the pattern I shared was that they weren't sure why I was doing what I was doing, but that I should just go for it and see where it took me.

So I did.

It was only after I'd knitted this section that I realised that blue bit is now supposed to be cut, the stitches unravelled and then the live stitches on either end picked up and knit.

I said to hell with that, and cast on for the head separately so I can cobble it together in my own way. My unicorn just might wear a collar to cover up its messy neck!

At least this did have one positive effect.

I couldn't wait to get back to working on Ernie, who had sadly been standing footless on the windowsill for around a month, waiting for his feet to be sewn up, stuffed and sewn on. All other plans for yesterday afternoon went out the window and I did this:

That's Ernie standing up on his own two (carefully pinned on) feet. I couldn't leave him like that though, stuck full of pins like some giant voodoo doll, so I very carefully stitched them on as well:

And then I realised that the section I'd just so carefully and neatly sewn up, was going to be covered by another piece of knitting so will never be seen.

But you've seen it, so you know it's there!

Other things I've been up to?

Last week I reorganised my bookshelves in the living room:

This is the bookcase I face from my armchair in the living room and it was getting embarrassing. Every time I looked at it (which was pretty much every day) it stressed me out. On top of the books I had books I'd bought in charity shops, pay slips, diaries, notebooks, receipts, fliers, letters, envelopes... you get the idea. The only reason I didn't take a before photo was because I was too embarrassed at the way everything was crammed in there. There were receipts dating back to 2015!

I took everything off, dusted, sorted and organised it all, then just returned the actual books to the shelf.

I also rearranged them so the ones in the back rows are sorted alphabetically by genre, rather than by genre then author. Each time I do this I put the general fiction on the shelf first, then short stories and poetry, then crime, you get the idea. The general stuff keeps getting pushed to the front and the other books kept on winding up at the end of the shelf where they were never read. Now I might actually get to some of them.

So aside from A to Z-ing, I've been pretty busy.

How about you?