Thursday, 24 November 2016

One Year Ago Today

Today I've felt a little out of sorts.

One of the women at work commented on it this morning and I sort of brushed it off as being busy and having lots to do but truthfully it's because exactly one year ago today I knew that little Olaf and Elsa were no longer with me. It was another couple of days before the midwives and hospital confirmed it, but by the evening of the 24th of November, I knew that it was over.

I wasn't really planning on posting anything today about them. I kind of worry that people are going to get a bit annoyed with my posts about Elsa and Olaf.

But then I arrived home to a parcel. A very funky looking parcel in a red bubble wrap bag, which had come all the way from America.

After that momentary burst of confusion where I thought 'Crap! What have I ordered and forgotten about?!' And then I saw the name on the back, and I thought it looked like Stacy, and I realised just who it might have come from.

Because the only Stacy I know is Stacy @ Stacy's Books.

And what was inside the parcel could not have been more perfect, given today's date. It's a copy of Dear Almost by Matthew Thorburn, which she reviewed back in October. As soon as I read the post, I thought it sounded like a book I'd like to read; unbeknownst to me, she sent it over, along with a lovely little note.

I intend to begin reading it tonight. So if you're reading this, Stacy, thank you so very, very much for this book. It means a lot to me.

It seems like a fitting way to end my little spell of remembrance for the babies I never got to meet. I lit a(n electronic) candle for them on the one year anniversary of our transfer and it's flickered away for the last few weeks. Ironically the battery is going in the candle, so it's been getting weaker and weaker as this last week has worn on, that's kind of right too.

This evening I was prompted to dig out the shoe box of memories and have a little rifle through it too. I've done that a few times this year, particularly on important dates.

It's an odd collection of stuff. Not pictured are some colouring pencils (from the front of the colouring book magazine Mr Click got me while we were waiting at the hospital to find out if Olaf and Elsa had survived the thaw) and two more letters from the hospital, confirming appointments in the run up to the transfer.

What you can see above includes the remains of my medication that I took during the cycle and while I was pregnant; my fertility bracelet and statue; my Elsa and Olaf charms which we bought after the transfer and which I wore until the clasps on them broke; the cases for both my and Mr Click's pendants that we wear in memory of them; the protocol sheets for the treatment; and you can't really see them but there's also the Frozen poster I stuck up on the door of what would have been their bedroom and the letter from the hospital congratulating us on the pregnancy and giving us the date for our scan.

I've also still got the pregnancy tests. Kind of gross, I realise, and they've faded a lot now, but there's something kind of comforting about seeing them sometimes and reminding myself that it did happen.

It's just a box of memories, but every one of those items in the box evokes something in me and I'm glad I've got them all.

And hopefully some day in the coming year, Olaf and Elsa will be able to donate the remaining Pregnacare vitamins to their brother or sister.


Let me know what you think. :-)