Saturday, 30 January 2016

Film Review: The Desolation of Smaug, Part 2

Last week we meet Beorn and then Bilbo and the gang entered Mirkwood, sans Gandalf who had to run off on an urgent errand.

This week it's all spiders. Lots and lots of spiders. *shudder*

54. Now excuse me while I don't watch this next bit because there are lots of giant spiders and they really freak me out.

55. Seriously, it's the way they move.

56. And the size.

57. And the eyes.

58. And the pincery mouths.

59. I'm still not watching.

60. I can see some movement out the corner of my eye but it looks pretty spidery so I'm not looking at the screen yet.

61. Okay, I think Bilbo just 'stung' one of them. At least that's one less of them for me to worry about.

62. Oh and he's put on the Ring now. And he can hear what the spiders are saying. They sound a little bit Gollumish.

63. They also look slightly less scary when they're in Ring-vision, they're slightly distorted and weird looking.

64. Except when they scream at the screen like that, then they're just as scary.

65. And so he named it Sting.

66. The Dwarves are lucky there's all that web to help slow down their fall otherwise that could be painful.

67. I'm not a fan of the spiders, but the bit where they pull its legs off it kind of gross.

68. Imagine how different The Lord of the Rings would've been if Bilbo hadn't found the Ring here.

69. The commentary for this bit is funny, Peter Jackson is talking about that poor little guy going out for a pint of milk and getting attacked by Bilbo.

70. And so we can see just what a hold the Ring is already getting over Bilbo. And at this point he can't have had it for more than a few days. His reaction shows just how un-Bilbo-like his behaviour there was.

71. And here come the Elves. Specifically Legolas, spider-boarding this time.

72. I have really mixed views on Tauriel. On the one hand, she's not in the books and I don't like the random addition of a love interest for one of the Dwarves. On the other hand, she's pretty badass.

73. "Who is this creature? A Goblin mutant?" No, your future BFF, Legolas.

74. I do love that they included Legolas. It makes perfect sense that he would be there.

75. I am not a fan of Thranduil, though he is an improvement on the cartoon version. I get the arrogance and he's a pretty contrast to all the other Elves we've seen but he still really annoys me all the same.

76. "Aren't you going to search me? I could have anything down my trousers." "Or nothing." Ooh, burn!

77. Oh Legolas, you're just jealous because he's the new one everyone's fangirling over.

78. There's something rather dragonlike about the way Thranduil moves. He does that leaning and bending thing with his neck which makes him almost serpentine.

79. Thorin should really just get over himself and just agree to letting him having the gems he wants. Sure he should have helped them out after the dragon came, but what was he supposed to do against Smaug. If he'd gone in there, there'd have been an Elf barbecue.

80. The scarring to his cheek is really not pleasant. I would avoid dragons too if I was him.

81. One thing I like about Tauriel is that she shows Peter Jackson's Elves don't stick to traditional gender roles. Women can be Captain of the Guard too.

82. I know that they kind of set up a Kili/Tauriel/Legolas love triangle, but I can't help but get Tauriel/Thranduil vibes too. Not so much in this film, but a little at the end of the next one.

83. This makes me sad. Because Kili won't be going back to his Mum. He's never going to see her again.

84. I do like that Kili and Tauriel are able to have a pretty civilised conversation. An Elf and a Dwarf learning something about one another. Also the music playing in the background is lovely.

85. I suppose that's why Legolas was so pissy with the Dwarves in The Fellowship of the Ring; it was a Dwarf who stole the girl he fancied.

86. I always wondered, reading the book, how they were going to do this whole barrel thing. I'm not sure the Orc attack was really necessary, but it does liven up something which might have been a little boring otherwise.

87. The Elves passed out with wine does make me wonder about the drinking game in The Return of the King. Gimli drinks enough to pass out and Legolas drinks enough to make his fingers tingle. How much wine did those two Elves down there drink? I like to think those barrels were actually full before they started.

88. Bilbo clearly did not think his plan through all that well.

89. The barrel ride would make a pretty fun theme park ride, I think.

90. Dwarf pile up!

91. And here's another hitch in the plan. Hello, Bolg!

92. Go Kili!

93. Okay, the Orc head bouncing off the camera is both gross and awesome.

94. I really feel for Kili here. I've never been shot in the leg with an arrow, but I've impaled 4.5" of wood in my leg and that bit where the arrow snaps off as he falls into the barrel makes me cringe every time. There's nothing worse than breaking off the outside bit of something that is also inside your leg!

95. I do like the way the Dwarves gradually collect weapons from the Orcs they're fighting.

96. And Bombur's run away barrel bit is overkill but cool for an action scene.

97. Watching Tauriel with her bow and arrow makes me want to try archery again.

98. Legolas using the Dwarves as stepping stones is kind of funny too.

99. Oh dear, they've got away.

Next week, Gandalf gets into a spot of bother and we meet Bard the Bowman, currently Bard the Bargeman.

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