Saturday, 17 October 2015

Film Review: The Return of the King, Part 5

Saturday means time for another instalment in our current film, The Return of the King. We're only a little way past the halfway point as well. I know I keep saying it, but this is a REALLY long film! I've decided to drag this film out to seven parts so we've got another two parts after this one, then it'll be time for the Hobbit films.

Last week Pippin sang a sad song for Denethor, Faramir took several arrows, Eowyn and Merry decided to go to war and things were generally miserable for everyone involved.

183. I'm no good at describing battles. There's lots of bad stuff happening. Things are being flung from both sides. Nazgul are flying overhead and grabbing soldiers while Pippin freaks out at the sound of the monsters.

184. One thing that's going against Gondor is that they've just got Men. Mordor has Orcs, Trolls and evil flying beasts. It's not really a fair fight!

185. Pippin's just sort of stumbled into Gandalf. Gandalf has to keep whacking Orcs to let Pippin get out of there safely. Gandalf is seriously badass.

186. Though it's lucky Pippin was there because the one Orc Gandalf didn't take out quick enough would've had his head if Pippin hadn't stabbed it.

187. All the same, Gandalf orders Pippin back to the Citadel, which is just as well because he's going to be needed there shortly.

188. Back at the gate to Minas Tirith, the Orcs are cracking out the heavy machinery. It's a giant battering ram shaped like a wolf which they're calling Grond.

189. But we have to wait to see what happens next because that's the end of this disc.

190. There's Peter Jackson on his boat again.

191. I love that there's just three of them standing up to a fleet of boats.

192. Oh, Orlando, shooting the director is not good for your career.

193. "This army!" Yeah, no one's going to mess with an army of the dead.

194. And back to Frodo. He really shouldn't have sent Sam away.

195. Gollum's all 'go on, go in, there's nothing bad in this dark, smelly, sticky tunnel, it's cool'.

196. This tunnel isn't really how I imagine it when I read the book, but I think it's probably closer to what a giant spider tunnel would look like.

197. If I was Frodo I'd be running in the opposite direction right now.

198. Aww, Frodo's all lost and alone now.

199. And he's just spotted all the dead things hanging from the ceiling. Probably not the sort of place you want to hang around in.

200. Meanwhile, Sam's taking a tumble down the staircase. It's a Shortcut to Lembas!

201. I get that he's angry, but why crush the food? You can eat that!

202. Where Frodo gets all tangled up in the spider web, that's what I look like when I walk through a cobweb.

203. After blundering around in the dark for ages, Frodo's just remembered Galadriel gave him a torch.

204. Now excuse me while I don't actually look at the screen for the next five minutes or so because there's a frigging GIANT SPIDER on the screen!

205. It's actually easier to watch this in the cinema than at home because you just look at a teeny tiny corner of the screen and ignore everything else going on. On a regular TV you can't help but see the whole screen at once.

206. Ugh! Frodo, she's behind you!

207. How is Gollum able to get through the tunnel without getting covered in cobwebs, but Frodo is covered?

208. Gollum's quick to put all the blame on the Ring for him trying to kill Frodo. That's like a child blaming a broken vase on their imaginary friend.

209. Oh, I forgot Frodo threw Gollum off the cliff there. I guess people who hadn't read the books would've been really surprised when he comes back at the end.

210. That's cool. Frodo falls over in Mordor and lands in Lothlórien.

211. What Galadriel is basically saying here is 'Frodo! Frodo! He's our man! If he can't do it, no one can!'

212. Horses on the screen, that means we're back to the Riders of Rohan.

213. Éowyn's pretty much prepared to go to her death. Poor Éowyn.

214. And now it's night time and Minas Tirith is still under attack.

215. Don't think those gates will hold much longer.

216. Denethor's completely flipped out now and is getting ready to bury Faramir.

217. But look, there's a flower on the White Tree! That means there's still some hope, right?

218. While Denethor's getting ready to end it all, Gandalf's taken over his job and is commanding the soldiers of Gondor.

219. I love that Gandalf tells the soldiers that 'whatever comes through that gate, you will stand your ground', then the gate opens and it looks like he's just had a wet trouser moment. I love Gandalf.

220. Ugh. Shelob's back again. *shudder*

221. Not watching the screen again.

222. Still not watching.

223. Still not watching.

224. And she got him.

225. At least after this next bit I don't have to worry about spiders again until the second Hobbit film.

226. Yay! It's Sam to the rescue. I love that he gets the heroic music as well.

227. Sorry, trying not to watch the screen again and there's not much I can say about growling spider and grunting hobbit noises.

228. I need to get me one of those lights to scare away spiders! That'd be really handy, especially this time of year when they keep appearing in my bathroom!

229. 'Don't leave me here alone. Don't go where I can't follow.' Heart broken.

230. Watch out, Sam. There's orcs about!

231. When the orc says 'What's this?' I can't help but imagine Arwen finishing up with 'a Ranger, caught off his guard?' Wrong film.

232. Back to Gondor where Pippin has realised what Denethor has planned for Faramir.

233. Denethor's well and truly lost it. And the Gondorian soldiers are so loyal to their Steward that they're not even arguing with him. You'd think they'd at least question the sanity of burning people alive.

234. Looks like the sun's just coming up now. That just means that the orcs can kill people in the city in daylight rather than the dark.

235. Now it's Gandalf to the rescue. If he can get past the Witch King of Angmar first.

236. Wow! His sword turns to fire. That's handy.

237. Gandalf really gets through staffs, doesn't he?

238. The Riders of Rohan really could not have timed that better.

239. I think Merry and Éowyn might be having second thoughts about their wisdom in joining the battle.

240. Théoden's gotten really into this now, hasn't he?

241. Random fact: lots of those riders are actually women dressed up as men. Well, in the aerial shot lots of them are neither, they're computer generated.

242. I love how the orcs suddenly realise that their arrows aren't stopping the charge. There's actual panic on their faces.

243. Denethor's giving himself and Faramir an oil shower. Sensible thing to do with all those lighted torches hanging around.

244. Aww, Pippin is so NOT a Fool of a Took in this scene. He's awesome.

245. And now Denethor realises that Faramir's not dead.

246. How does Denethor manage to get that far whilst on fire?

247. I'm no good at talking about battle scenes. The Rohirrim are fighting orcs and stuff. It's about what you'd expect.

248. Okay, I really like the Oliphaunts. I feel sorry for them because I don't think they're bad animals, they're just being used by bad people. It makes me sad to see them being hurt, even if they are computer generated.

249. I do feel sorry for the computer generated horses and people they're standing on too.

250. Oliphaunt dominoes. It's kind of like that scene in Dumbo.

251. Éowyn is pretty awesome here, she's pretty much single-handed takes out an Oliphaunt.

252. And then it nearly single-headedly takes her out too.

We'll leave things there for now.

Next week both Theoden and the Witch King meet their matches, Sam has to find Frodo and the remainder of the Fellowship prepare for their final battle.

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