Saturday, 16 April 2016

Film Review: The Battle of the Five Armies, Part 5

Get your hankies ready, here's where it all ends. And I'm not just talking about The Hobbit films, I'm talking about the final cinematic excursion into Middle-earth!

210. Ooh, back to the Dwarves fighting.

211. It's kind of funny how Bifur's axe gets stuck in the whatever that is's head. And when it comes out he can speak intelligibly again!

212. Bilbo made it up to Thorin and Dwalin. Thorin doesn't seem unhappy to see him which is nice. I'm guessing this means Bilbo's forgiven.

213. Fili's about to be in some serious trouble.

214. You're too late. Azog's got him.

215. Poor Fili.

216. And poor Kili.

217. So there's more fighting. This time it's Azog versus Thorin.

218. And now Bolg's shown up with his gang. Time for even more fighting.

219. I remember when we were watching this in the cinema and at about this point I suddenly found myself thinking 'this is just one big war movie, and I'm actually enjoying it'.

220. Meanwhile, Legolas has hitched a ride on a giant bat creature. Hope he's holding on tight.

221. Bilbo's relying on that old Hobbit fighting trick; stone throwing.

222. Legolas demonstrates that old 'hanging upside down from flying animal whilst taking out a platoon'.

223. And now Bilbo gets bopped on the head, putting him out of action for a while so we can concentrate on Thorin versus practically all of Bolg's army. It's a good job that Legolas is on hand to help him out.

224. Tauriel does a fantastic job of both leading the enemy towards her, and distracting her Dwarf toy boy by yelling his name nice and loud.

225. Is that a human skull on Bolg's loincloth? Nice.

226. Oh, he has skulls on her shoulder pads too.

227. And Kili came to Tauriel's aid, so she gets to watch Bolg skewering him like a kebab.

228. Now it's her turn.

229. She basically decides that since Kili is gone, even though she barely knew him, she has nothing to live for, so she might as well take herself out in her attempt to get rid of Bolg.

230. Legolas is out of arrows. Oops.

231. And so he jumps off a tower and lands on the blind troll. Neat.

232. I don't think that's a structurally safe place to do battle guys.

233. Back to Thorin and whoever it is he's fighting. Briefly, because he throws him off the frozen waterfall. Another foot and the ugly brute would've landed on Legolas!

234. Do the goblins actually have no sense of pain? I know I would flinch if someone drove a ruddy great knife through my hand!

235. And there's more of Azog's guys coming to join the party. I think if I was Thorin I'd just be cowering in a corner somewhere by now.

236. Luckily Legolas has his physics defying skills to get off the disintegrating tower.

237. Scrambled Bolg.

238. If I was Thorin, I'd be wanting to move the fight off the ice. This is clearly just asking for trouble.

239. Then again, I guess he's hoping Azog will fall in and weigh himself down with his stone on a chain.

240. The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!

241. Oh, hi Radagast! Nice of you to show up.

242. And there's Beorn. It's kind of cool how he changes into a bear as he falls.

243. Well done, Thorin. You got Azog into the water. Now is the time when you should get out of the way. Don't just stand there for him to burst through the ice at you.

244. Seriously, Dwarf! Run, now!

245. Don't follow him!

246. You idiot!

247. Don't say I didn't warn you.

248. Ouch.

249. An Eagle flying over right about now would be really useful.

250. It kind of looks like Thorin gives up here.

251. I guess he kind of does, to be able to stab Azog and finish him off. That's sort of a heroic move, I suppose.

252. Welcome back, Bilbo.

253. Thorin should've flagged down one of those Eagles and let them know he was injured. They might've gotten him down for some Elvish healing.

254. At least he got to make up with Bilbo before he died.

255. It's sweet and sad how Bilbo keeps talking to Thorin after he passes.

256. I just want to give Bilbo a hug right now.

257. Thranduil still looks pretty stunned.

258. I love the little nod to Aragorn here. I want to know what happens between here and the Council of Elrond between Legolas and Aragorn.

259. Oh Thranduil, you wait until now to finally talk about Legolas's mum.

260. This bit here kind of makes me ship Tauriel/Thranduil a little bit. They've both loved and lost and I can see them connecting over that.

261. Thranduil, just give her a hug.

262. See, they understand each other now.

263. Gandalf always knows just the right thing to do. At times like these, what you really need is to get your pipe out and have a smoke with a friend.

264. They're like a pair of old soldiers.

265. Back to Dale where someone is blowing a really big trumpet thing.

266. This is what's done at a Dwarven funeral apparently.

267. It kind of bothers me that after saying she wanted to bury him, we don't actually see Tauriel paying her respects to Kili.

268. Balin crying just crushes me.

269. Oh, and Bilbo too.

270. And now Billy Connolly, I mean, Dain, gets to be king.

271. Balin wants Bilbo to stick around, but Bilbo needs to hit the road.

272. Everyone (who is still living) has come to see him off.

273. I love that he invites them all to tea. He's changed his tune since when they all showed up on his doorstep.

274. And so he and Gandalf head back to the Shire together. And it's an entirely uneventful journey.

275. Wizards bring good luck?! Are you forgetting who it was who got you into this situation, Bilbo?!

276. Gandalf's onto your little secret, Bilbo.

277. "You're a very fine person, Mr Baggins. And I'm very fond of you..." And you're a terrible liar.

278. Have you noticed that Gandalf has a habit of leaving Hobbits on the outskirts of the Shire, so that they have to go back and sort the big mess waiting for them?

279. Bilbo's not supposed to be here, on account of his being dead. That's why they're selling all his stuff.

280. Bet Bilbo's wishing he'd got back a day sooner.

281. Come on Bilbo, prove you're not dead.

282. Welcome home, Bilbo. You've got a bit of tidying up to do.

283. The house looks in a worse mess than when the Dwarves showed up and pillaged the pantry.

284. I love that Fran Walsh and Peter Jackson have been Hobbitified and are Bilbo's parents.

285. But wait, Bilbo still has a little secret. And I love that the music tells us what it is before we see it.

286. The Ring? Not lost at all.

287. And suddenly we're back to the start of The Fellowship of the Ring.

288. "And what about very old friends.." Love.

289. Such a perfect way to end these films.

290. And now I want to watch The Lord of the Rings.

291. This song is easily the very best end credit song of any of the six Middle-earth films.

292. They couldn't have picked anyone better to sing it either. It's not just saying goodbye to Thorin, but to the whole film franchise. Perfect.

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