#atozchallenge Letters to my Embryos: Q is for Quandary

Welcome to Day 17 of the A to Z Challenge, an April blogging challenge where you aim post every day during the month following the letters of the alphabet (with every Sunday bar the last one off).

In the past I've used the challenge to blog about my infertility and the IVF process. I'm following a similar theme this year as we wait to begin the process for a Frozen Embryo Transfer, having completed a Freeze All IVF cycle in February.

We currently have nine embryos sitting on ice, my little bubbles, and this April I am blogging to them about the process of how they came to be.

Dear Bubbles,

I'm sure you're well aware of this by now, but before you had existed for twenty-four hours we had to make one of the hardest decisions we've ever made. The decision that would affect your whole future and could potentially have made the difference between you being here or not.

Does that sound dramatic? I guess it kind of was, but we didn't make the decision in some big important room with a countdown timer playing. I was lounging in my jammies, in our living room, and recovering from my op.

We got the phone call to let us know we had ten embryos and they wanted to know whether to freeze you then and there or to let you grow for five days. The idea was that if we froze you all then and there, we would know we had ten embryos, but if we let you grow, we'd know what quality you were, who was the strongest and you'd have more chance of surviving the freeze/thaw procedure.

I didn't have too much time to consider this quandary, we needed to give the hospital an immediate response. A brief conversation with your Dad and we decided to let you grow. The Embryologist seemed happy with our choice and we hung up to begin the long five day wait to hear how you got on.

And I immediately panicked because we didn't know if any of you would make it to the blastocyst stage. You were all my potential babies and I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps I'd signed your death warrant, that none of you would make it.

I needn't have worried, of course, you were strong.

But it was a scary fire experience of making importance decisions about you. And even though there might be big decisions I make on your behalf in the future, I'll always know I got that first, most important, one right.

All my love,

Your Mum.